I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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