It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
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I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
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Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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