Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Randomize
