none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
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i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
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