It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
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