I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
that is very illegal...i love you.
Randomize
