Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
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