The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
