The maid of honor just puked.
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
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