honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
