I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Randomize
