I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
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