They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Randomize
