dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
Just watched a UNI fan at the bar lick the tears off of a KU fans face.. See what march madness does to people
I love how my cats smell like pot.
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
Randomize
