He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
Randomize
