Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
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