you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
Randomize
