You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize