I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
Yo dont text me then not text me
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
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