im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
Randomize
