her vagina looked like bernie madoff
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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