I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I just encouraged Kelsey to make out with some guy for beer so I could take one, does this make me a pimp?
By definition I think it does.
So this is what it feels like to be all that is man.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
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