I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
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