woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
Randomize
