Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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