u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
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