I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
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