You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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