i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
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