he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
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