I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
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