Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
