At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
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the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
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She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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