you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
