If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
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