I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
