We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
