getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
I'm sobbing to NWA
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
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