Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Randomize
