All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
he's 24. he finally texted me instead of using facebook chat. baby steps.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
