I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
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