She went from zero to smokin in five shots
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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