she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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