i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
