A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
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