Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
