your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
