if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Randomize
