i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Randomize
