He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
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