I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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