i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
Randomize
